This is a true story, based on real events and people, told exactly as it went down…
The Uber driver arrived as I was just finishing the final touches on my Uppit.io presentation. As per usual, I hopped into the back seat, nodded a quick hello and refocussed my attention on my phone. Creating a bias-free app for ideation keeps me, like, Very Busy.
I was quite comfortable in my busyness, tapping away on my phone, when the Uber driver started talking to me. On a regular day, this is pretty rude — can’t he see I am busy tapping things into my phone? — but given the current climate, I was especially appalled. I could literally picture little colourful COVID-19 viruses swimming around in the confined airspace that I was sharing with this stranger.
“How are you” said my driver, his breath changing the current of the COVID-19 swimmers.
“Good thanks” I replied, noting as I always do, how this is the only acceptable answer in Australia. In some countries, it is considered quite showy to reply in this manner, with a more standard response being a rundown of your top 3 ailments.
Feeling a pang of guilt, I added “How are you holding up in these strange times?”
Subplot One: They are coming to vaccinate you 💉
“These times are strange indeed. My wife has just started to trust me. I have been telling her for a long tome now that these times were coming. I just did not know the timing. But now that the times are here, my wife is trusting me again.”
I stopped tapping on my phone.
“Tell me more I said” in my most non-judgemental, you-are-in-a-safe-place-surrounded-by-friends voice.
Sensing a captive audience, my driver relaxed into a full account. He was never sure of the timing, but what he has always known, what anyone is able to know if they read the true materials on the dark interweb, is that They have been plotting this for a long time. They released the pandemic in order to test the world’s ability to respond to a pandemic, so that they could identify the weaknesses. They plan to release a stronger pandemic to kill off millions next* (*he was unable to confirm the timing on this next release).
Then the plot took a turn.
Once every household is in lockdown, They will come around door knocking (I am usure if they will catch Ubers to get there). They will come around to all our homes to… forcibly vaccinate us all.
“And now my wife, after I have been telling her these things for 10 years, she is again trusting me” he said animatedly as we pulled up at my destination.
Subplot Two: Big Pharma 💰
The meeting went well. In fact, given the new challenges with employee morale under emerging isolated, work from home conditions, the client signed up with Uppit on the spot. I was having a very productive day, I thought to myself as I waited for my Uber ride back to my home/office.
“Hello Anna” my driver greeted me.
“Hi, thanks for the ride” I replied in my standard thanks-for-the-Uber-ride voice.
“How was your day?” my driver asked.
Another talker. I silently held my breath, calculating whether I could hold it all the way home. Time to destination jumped to 11mins.
I went all in. “My day was great. This Corona-thing is making people quite… scared. What’s your take on it all?”
He had his own thoeries. But they were dangerous, and he was unsure whether it was appropriate to share them.
Time to destination updated to 9 mins. “Of course it is appropriate!” I responded enthusiastically, forgetting about the COVID-19 particles suspended in furious swimming animaion in the air around us.
His theory was much less complicated than the other. Simply put, COVID-19 is not real. His view, which is supported by credible references from unverified sources, is that COVID-19 is a Marketing Campaign applied to a regular flu. It was created by Big Pharma in order to sell test kits 💰
“A classic example of Munchausen by Proxy at scale!” he said with passion. I am sure I saw a spray of spittle join the COVID-19 ambient swimmers.
I pretended to type on my phone very, very, quietly.
“…and I hope you did not find any of my opinions offensive” said my driver as we pulled up at my home/office.
I realised I had zoned out, in exactly the same way that my kids zone out when I talk to them of the personal growth opportunities that open up to them when they engage in helping out around the house…